That skill of being able to understand first even if you are brimming with anger and resentment can really open doors.

That sounds terrible. Seems like a total breakdown of communication there with no one talking. There is a time for alone time and introspection but for a month – something has to change.

What have you done to try to start a communication about the issues? There is a very delicate balance of how to do this at a point like this and I would like to try to help.

If I were to suggest anything it is that you now have a rare opportunity to approach this and begin a better communication about intimacy. She knows of your pen pal and it sounds like she knows the reasons as well. There is no putting the genie back in the bottle now it is time to address the issue of intimacy for it gets out of hand or becomes buried again.

AS I always say though – when you approach that conversation never make it about you, always keep asking about your wife, her needs, her frustrations even if you get an earful. Once they realise you are not going to bite back they will usually start to look at the issue in more detail.

Sometimes actions are better than words but in this case you need to communicate about the whole thing and ask her permission to do so. Maybe not in long session but bit at a time.

I hope that helps and good luck

My wife and I have been married 16 years. We have two wonderful boys, 9 and 13, who are incredibly loving and bring nothing by joy and laughter. We’re so blessed to have such thoughtful and sweet sons.

My wife and I haven’t had sex in 6 1/2 years. Before that was another 18 months, so really one time in the past 8 years…about the time our youngest son turned 1.

For me, the lack of intimacy is much more painful than living without sex. I can count on one hand the number of times in the past 3 years that my wife has initiated a hug, held my hand, cuddled up close to me, or just laid her hand warmly on my shoulder. Thankfully, my kids are super-affectionate, and I get my hugs from them.

This is not an abusive marriage. We argue and bicker, but we agree on important things like parenting, money, values, etc. Our marriage has no alcohol or chemical abuse…neither of us would touch drugs, so that’s not a factor in our problems. We are both healthy, fit, and attractive people.

My wife is a perfectionist, and very disciplined and intelligent. I would describe her as a type-a personality. She is also a fundamentally negative type of person. By this, I mean she focus on what’s wrong…much more than what’s right. Sadly, she is a profoundly negative person, yet is convinced otherwise. She seldom sees the bright side of a situation. This is difficult, because I feel she always judges me harshly. She’s somewhat difficult to please, but extremely easy to displease, offend, etc…

Let me add this…my wife is a very moral and good person. She’s also a fantastic mother and I couldn’t imagine a better mom for our boys. Our older is home-schooled and she is a phenomenal teacher to him. She is a good person…it just seems like I’m not good enough for her sometimes.

The most common issue/complaint I’ve brought to my wife through the years is her CRITICISM of me. She’s not verbally harsh, but can be very snippy. Her criticism is just an incessant string of gripes and complaints about SOOO many things I do…most of which many would consider petty. I always try to please, and I think she takes this as an opening to never hold back on her criticism or critiques. I’ve never set good boundaries on this, so she has no second thoughts to verbalize something she doesn’t like.

I’m the outgoing, social type, but can be very absent-minded and forgetful. I try too hard to please, and over-commit way to often to everyone. My job isn’t very stressful, but I travel 2 nts/wk. I’d rather be home with my kids. I’m in sales, National Sales Manager for my employer.

I have never cheated on my wife, something I am proud of. I think most men in my situation would have, especially considering my travels would make this very convenient. Cheating is not on my radar…my father didn’t do it, and I want to live like he did. I know he’s watching from above, and his memory is a source of strength and pride for me.

3 years ago, I started writing to an anonymous woman from a semi-lurid website. I sought out a person NOT looking for an affair, one-night-stand, or a new relationship. I sought out a woman in a simliar marital situation, who just wanted to write and share encouragement. After a few weeks of writing, we met for an innocent lunch…nothing more…no chemistry, no attraction…just someone to talk to.

My wife found out, and all he** broke loose. She knows (I think) that I didn’t have emotional feelings for this person, and certainly no physical relationship. However, none of that mattered. She found out after the fact, and felt lied-to an betrayed, which I understand. I’ve tried for the past 3 years to apologize and let that heal.

This pen-pal idea of mine came after ONLY 3 years of isolation from my wife. At that time, 3 years seemed like an eternity. I could never talk to my wife about how this was affecting me without her getting irritated and withdrawing more. It was a stupid and desperate idea. My fault.

My wife and I argue all the time. I’m so impatient and uptight, and that’s not how I’ve always been. In the past 10 years, I’ve become much more high-strung, impatient, and quickly frustrated/angry.

The catch-22 for me is that my wife’s withdrawal is making me MORE impatient, angry, and irritable. I feel so terrible to be isolated this way, and I can’t imagine many other well-adjusted men have been this frozen out by their wives…for so long. If I were some dirtbag, selfish, alpha-male…who ruled the roost and always demanded my way…I could understand. But I’m not that way.

Finally, divorce is not an option I want to consider. Neither does my wife. Maybe it’s foolish, but our kids are happy and we don’t want to blow apart our family structure. They are much happier with us together than if we were apart. Our boys are equally connected to each of us.

I write all this because I don’t know how to maintain my sanity…much less figure out how to turn things around. I feel depressed and demotivated all the time. Heck, as I write this NOVEL, I really should be on the phone WORKING.

Thanks for reading. I wish this was a shorter post.