Surviving a sexless marriage is not an easy task by any means. Keeping a marriage together while living in a state of sexual frustration, of rejection from the one you love, and feeling trapped and alone – this is a survival minefield and many people do not handle it well. In fact, many people end up destroying their marriage via infidelity, or bringing the issue to a head in ways that cause harm and end in a messy divorce. All we really want is to feel loved and wanted, why is this so hard?
Well first up, surviving is what we do while we wait for the time when things can change. Too many people try too hard and the wrong way to fix a sexless marriage once they get a bee in their bonnet about making a change. However, it is not an instant flick of a switch, it is a long term process to bring warmth and love and intimacy back into a sexless relationship. Surviving while you are working at it is essential for your sexual and mental health – and the more you can deal with a sexless marriage as you work to fix it, the better your efforts will go as well.
Mental Game Plan for Surviving a Sexless Marriage
A mental game plan might sound like some sort of sporting terminology, and I guess it can be related to that in a way. You need to have a plan of action not only to turn up the heat in the bedroom and bring intimacy back to your marriage, but you need a plan on what to do if something fails, or goes right, or does not happen. You also need a plan to cope with the frustration, with the rejection, with the thoughts of divorce or infidelity. You need to be able to sit in a head space that allows you to be calm and enact the changes that need to be made to fix a sexless marriage!
So what can you do to achieve this mental state? Here are some things to think about when constructing your game plan. I hope reading through these tips will give you a better understanding of dealing with a sexless marriage while you attempt to fix it!
What is a trigger? A trigger is an event that happens which will then make you go down a certain behavioural path. Being able to modify our behaviours of these triggers is a ital part of maintaining your sanity and well being during this period. Some triggers such as being rejected when asking for sex, discovering a lie about sex and intimacy (porn use for instance), or getting into an argument about intimacy. These things usually send us down a certain path of thinking which is often very bad for your mental state and your relationship. It can lead to regretful words and actions that are not going to help your cause!
So, to help arrest this, you need to train yourself to react in a way that is going to help you feel better, not make things worse – and that might actually help your cause in overcoming this sexless situation. For this you need to really sit, think, and analyse what are the triggers in your relationship that cause you to blow up, or get depressed, or say things you do not mean to say. Really think on the negative behaviours that damage a relationship, even if you feel justified in being angry or upset and not them down. Find out the exact cause, the trigger of this reaction and then work on a plan to turn that into positive.
For instance, if you get sad, or angry when your husband or wife refuses sex at night when you are in bed – instead think of something you can do to improve the situation. You know that you need to work on getting them warmed up to the idea over time, so anything that makes them feel resentful because you are angry or upset is going to hinder your ability to turn the situation around. An alternative course of action might be to force yourself to say something comforting to release the tension of the situation. Also in your mind make sure to note that this is actually a step towards a better sexual life in the end as being upset would actually set yourself back!
While preparing to change your behaviours when triggers occur is one way of forward planning, you can also plan the things you are going to do on a steady day to day basis to help you survive a sexless marriage. You al;ready know the things that will be difficult to deal with so now is the time to prepare for them! Just a few common things you can do is to make sure you release any tension in the household every day. Even if you do not feel like saying it much, make sure to tell your spouse you love them. Appreciate the things they DO manage to do right, and gloss over the problems that arise because of any small infringement they might make.
You might see a theme here, it is of creating a harmonious environment which dismantles he wall of resentment that builds up over time. This is a tactic to bring about more intimacy, but it is also a tactic that will help you cope even if the sex does not flow right away. Creating a home where you put effort into building up a bucket of goodwill is actually good for your own mental health. You might be bursting at the seams wanting this olive branch to be returned to you in kind, but you cannot expect a tit for tat recovery – but you will get a tit for tat downward spiral if you choose to try to punish your spouse or demand recompense!
Plan to be kind, not RIGHT. Then make sure to plan how to release any pent up frustration in a good way, or at least a non hurtful way. Maintaining a positive [pl;ace in your home is where you need to start. After that comes the difficult but essential conversations and questions, and listening you need to do to uncover the real issues of sexlessness. This is not surviving a sexless marriage advice though – that is for overcoming it.
If you want to learn more about fixing the problem at its core though, we highly suggest you click through to visit Kate Dixons’s Fix Your Sexless Marriage website. This is the best book on the market on dealing this this tricky issue.