Today I just wanted to give some sexless marriage advice and help for those looking for ways to restore a little bit of intimacy in their cooling marital bedroom. This is not the in depth stuff I usually go into which is very important, but is instead a quick fire set of tips you can use to help you apply the right touch here and there every day.
Along with the big picture stuff, these small steps are always important and help to bring you closer yo your spouse tiny step at a time. It can be frustrating applying these tips again and again and seeming to get very little immediate results – but it takes more than just these tips to overcome a sexless marriage completely. They are essential to do on your journey though.
So here are a few pointers that might help!
10 Sexless Marriage Advice Tips
1. Do not bite back – Sometimes you get into a small argument, or even a massive row, or perhaps nasty remarks due to stress and strain and lack of intimacy. The easiest path is to bite back. To show your displeasure and frustration because you feel justified. Perhaps you are, but as soon as you do this you just put another brick in the wall of resentment that stops sex in marriage. Learn to control those outbursts.
2. Do not ask for praise – Sometimes you might think that making that extra effort around the house will endear your lover to you and thaw the cooling in the bedroom. While this is probably true to a degree, most of us think that a few of these efforts should get reward or praise and when you becoming indignant or upset if it does not come it can make matters even worse. This is because they will think your attempts are trying to be deceptive not genuine – something akin to emotional manipulation even if it is not meant as such.
3. Do not be sullen – A follow on from the previous point. Being sullen and hurt will nto get any sympathy at this stage and will start a cold war that for some couples lasts for years – you do not want this! This is especially useful to remember if they do not want to have sex, the more sullen and annoyed you become the more they will steel themself against you. This can lead to no sex in marriage for a long time.
4. Apologise – It can seem like a blow to your ego to apologise, especially when you might not be the one who needs to apologise. However, an apology mends so many wounds even if they do not take the apology gracefully. It is still a step to being a better person and healing the rift that stops intimacy from flowing.
5. Do not ask for apology – Do not demand for an apology when your partner says or does something hurtful. Trying to drag it out of them simply builds their resolve to frustrate you. Even if you have just apologised and they will not – do not demand something back. Often it will come, sometimes days later but it will come in time, forcing the issue simply makes it worse.
6. Keep things tidy – Simple tip, messiness tends to irritate people unless it is their mess. To make things more smooth and amenable in a household just be a little more tidy (tip for men AND women by the way!)
7. Avoid nagging – Nothing saps the libido than being nagged by your partner. Again both men and women nag it is not something that is just in the domain of wives. Constant undermining of a partners abilities, looks, or anything else by constantly pointing out flaws or demanding action on something is destructive.
8. Go Slow – Sometimes you might have had a good week and you feel a little more intimate with your spouse and the temptation is to se if they are willing to take it the next step further. If you do this do not go right in, the door is not wide open at this point, it is just slightly ajar. Sometimes going slowly without even trying anything sexual, but still being intimate can help break down the wall that has been built up. Try just hugging and cuddling and kissing, do not try to initiate sex right away as if they are not yet in the mood it could harm your chances further down the track. Long term is the goal.
9. Tell them you love them – Some people find this very hard, especially if they feel annoyed and frustrated. Even if you do not feel like you like them much at the moment, those words are always welcome when the time is right. This does not need to be an overblown presentation of undying love – but letting them know you do even when you have had a fight or things have not been very fun will keep a connection going.
10. Seek first to understand before being understood – This is of prime importance. Before you ever try to put your own point of view forward, really try to understand your spouses situation and thoughts. Before anyone ever pays attention to someone else’s feelings they want to know their own feelings are acknowledged first. This empathic link makes all conversations more genuine and open.
You might sense a theme here, this is not about DOING things to impress your lover and get them warmed up for sex, this is about everything before that. The mind and emotional state must be satisfied first before the sexual desire can flow. It can also seem unfair, but this is the way of things – you get to choose to nurse a wounded ego – or to change the way you act and suffer a loss of face to bring back some intimacy. Resentment and misunderstanding are the main problems in a sexless marriage so do not be trapped by this!
For more sexless marriage advice of course, check out the ebook Fix Your Sexless Marriage by Kate Dixon. It goes into this and much more in depth.