how to fix a sexless marriage

How to fix a sexless marriage can be a difficult thing to do if you feel lost, frustrated and angry. I know I felt this way during this period with my wife and finding a path through these emotions to find a solutions to my sexless relationship took time and energy and learning about many things: Love, men, women, marriage and mainly about myself and how to dealt with problems.

I just wanted to compile some thoughts on sexless marriage help for those stuck in the same situation that can be applied to men or women. After this there may be more intricate details on how to handle wives or girlfriends compared to how a female needs to handle their husband or boyfriend.

A complete guide that greatly helped me and Nancy overcome our sexless marriages and helped me write this post can be found here.


Self blame and blame on your partner are two of the most harmful aspects of a sexless relationship. Some people hold all of their blame just for themselves and believe that the entire affair is their own fault while others. Others put all their frustration and anger into a campaign of blame against their partner while others still can see saw back and forth between the two.

My own experience was largely in blaming my wife. Something i now regret a great deal because firstly the blame was NOT all hers and I had things to answer for but also because blame is never productive and never solves anything!

Freeing yourself of the chains or resentment, self loathing and blaming is a major part of returning to a better relationship and openning up both partners hearts to a loving intimate and passionate relationship once again.

Communication Vs Action

I am a firm believer in good communication between husband and wife. I was even when my marriage was barren and loveless but I did not know how to actually apply this to the situation at hand. Kate Dixon’s Get him/her in the mood helped me to understand what i was doing wrong and how to change my approach towards my sexless wife for the better.

I learned a few things:

  • When communicating NEVER make the conversation about your own sexual frustrations.
  • Never whine, never be belligerent, never beg and never include any resentment or blame in your tone.
  • Always be calm and make the conversation about your spouse.
  • Do not attack the question of sex directly or you will get push back. Instead try to uncover the reasons behind the lack of libido and passion.

The other thing I learned on how to fix a sexless marriage was that communication and talking it over were not always the best sexless marriage help and that actions can speak louder than words and open up new avenues of conversation and healing.

  • Look to improving yourself first before trying to solve your partners issues.
  • Work to resolve little niggles and resentments in your marriage.
  • Start increasing your intimacy slowly. Small touches here and there, a lingering gaze, a tender kiss – not too long but not just a peck.
  • Do not rush into any sexual opening. Forcing yourself on your partner man or woman will set back all your efforts … remember slow and steady wins the race.

Once I started to apply some of these simple rules I was amazed at how quickly my marriage started to change! It was slow to start but the improvements could be seen every day. Life became easier, the companionship of my wife became bearable, then pleasant and then intimate.

Not only this, but after just a few weeks of improvements I discovered things about my wife i never new. Reasons why she was so shy on sex and ways to help her overcome these things. I also learned more on how to be a better husband, partner and lover in just a few short weeks compared to the all the 22 year marriage we had before.

More on how this was possible.

Now these tips to fix a sexless marriage can be applied to men or women as the same basic concepts can be used to end the problems and then kick start the passion once again. However there are of course a number of differences between how men and women who are lacking in the libido department.

This means that for many things you need to take a different approach to make sure you are pressing the right buttons with your spouse and also adjusting your own behavior to make them more comfortable and more aroused.

However the differences between men and women in terms of sexuality could fill a library so I will not go into that here. However I do highly recommend this guide I have been mentioning by Kate Dixon which comes in two flavors. One for men in a sexless relationship and one for women struggling with their husbands lack of sexual interest.

Sexless Marriage Help by Kate Dixon

~ Tony