Sexless Couples

A Look into Sexless Relationships

Sexless Marriage Help – Resource For Sexless Couples

Are You Tired of Lonely Nights Without Intimacy & Sexual Fulfilment?

If So, I Know Someone Who May be Able to Help You With Sexless Marriage Advice Through This Tough Time.

sexless marriage advice

Hi there. I sure am glad you found our little site though I with we had met under better circumstances because you are probably here looking for help to bring passion back into your sexless marriage which is a pain I know all too well.

Myself and Nancy who also contributes to this site have been through the same experience of lying next to the women or man you love night after night but having no real intimacy or passion or feeling of being loved and appreciated physically in any way. It made me feel frustrated, depressed, unloved and even full of anger and hatred at some points which I am not proud to admit.

Is this how you feel in your sexless marriage too?

Well you are not alone in this, cold comfort I know but sexless relationships are much more common than you might think. This is why we set this site up, to give advice and resources to help people like yourself in this awful situation to regain that intimacy once more because it really is possible, even if it feels like an impossible task.

This is why I want to introduce you to a very helpful person in this regard, Kate Dixon. Kate has helped thousands of people with sexless marriage advice (including myself) to analyse themselves, their relationship and their partner and create a plan that when acted upon brings real results back into a marriage lacking intimacy (or committed relationship). Kate is not a doctor though, or a psychologist with more experience with books than with bodies, Kate is just like you and me and what she has to say really rings true. The end result is that she helps people get back that essential piece of the puzzle that is amazing sexual interaction without being smutty or pornographic in any way.

It may not work for everyone, but if you are looking for a way to fix your sexless marriage then I highly recommend hearing what Kate has to say as it helped me find a way back to a healthy sexual relationship and I daresay she can help you too. Click below to visit her official site. (or click here for a more complete review)

Kate Dixon’s Official “Get Him/Her In The Mood” Site

Causes of a Sexless Marriage – What Do You Think They Are?

 

Causes of a Sexless MarriageIf you have read this blog before, you have probably realised I have post about the causes of a sexless marriage before. An essential topic really for a blog about sexless relationships, but one hat I think need to be revisited occasionally to delve further into the issues, or explore new ones that have not been mentioned or elaborated on before.

So I thought I would post a quick summary of the main causes of sexless marriage, a distilled version of some of the comments that myself and Nancy have spoken about before, as well as some of the plain WRONG ideas that sometimes get bandied around. Then we will open it up to others to comment and contribute. It is something that is interesting to discuss because like most relationship problems, or even health problems, the root causes are what is in need of treating not just the symptoms.

Common Causes of a Sexless Marriage

  1. sexless marriage causesMismatched Libido’s – This is where one person simply has a much lower sex drive than their partner. This is a mix of environmental/situational factors, but largely a genetic factor where they simply are not as into sex as their spouse.
  2. Mismatched Priorities – This is often the case where people are too busy to put importance on their sexual life within a marriage. This is perhaps the easiest to fix and is pretty common with new parents, or people with new jobs/responsibilities. However it can also come from a long period of simply placing less and less importance on intimacy as time goes by.
  3. Warring Resentments – This is the most common and can cross over with the other two as well. This is where there is a war of resentments and niggles in a relationship that builds a wall between you and your spouse. Often these problems are not even articulated and you cannot remember WHY you are both so unhappy with each other. It is like a war of tit for tat and one partner is taking the ball and going home so to speak as they can not – or will not – get in the mood because of all these issues preying on their mind.
  4. Emotional Trauma – Sometimes there are scars on a person psyche when it comes to sex. Rape victims often have issues being able to enjoy sex which is quite obvious. However there are plenty of horrible memories some people carry around with them that inhibit their ability to enjoy sex and give that intimacy to their lover despite their best efforts.
  5. Body Image – Sometimes serious changes in body image can cause a person to hate their own body enough they cannot stand to even be seen naked by their partner. Women especially after childbirth can be prone to this and often this is an irrational fear, but it is very serious in their own mind and must be dealt with delicately.
  6. Illness – Lastly, sometimes a condition or disorder can strike a person in a marriage and reduce their desire for sex to near zero. This can be physical injuries or sicknesses, but it can also be psychological illnesses such as depression, anxiety disorders such as agoraphobia or social anxiety, or even bipolar disorder. Whatever the problem, when your health is low, your sex drive is usually low as well leading to a sexless situation.

Now the nitty-gritty details of these marriages, whatever the major causes, will vary wildly from sexless couple to other sexless couples. However mast can be traced back to one of, or a couple of these big 6.

However sometimes people have some misinformed ideas of why a marriage is sexless. This can be dangerous so lets look at some of the misconceptions of causes of a sexless marriage.

  1. My partner much be cheating on me if they do not want to have sex with me! – This one is dangerous and usually wrong. While there might be some cases where this happens it would be unusual. Not to mention if they are cheating on you then there was probably one of the problems above as the cause of that too (note: not on the side of the cheater at all, just the BS reasons they use to justify their actions is all.)
  2. My spouse just hates sex – This is extreme, people like sex, we are hardwired to like it. There are situations such as the emotional trauma i mentioned which could make them seem like they hate sex, but if this is resolved then they usually will warm to intimacy – but it can be a hard road.
  3. They hate my body, that’s why they will not hate sex with me! – While there might be some shallow individuals who do, this is very unlikely for most marriages. While sometimes it can play a part in an emotional rift if serious body changes have happened and not been resolved, it is extreme to say this is the ONLY reason a marriage becomes sexless.
  4. They are deliberately withholding sex! – This does happen certainly in nearly all relationships at some point. It is petty and nasty and shortsighted. However, to do this enough for a marriage to be totally sexless is not quite true. This would be classed as warring resentments, but in most cases it is not deliberate – but subconscious instead.

So, there is the run down. Please comment below if you agree, disagree, or have any points to offer. If you are suffering from a sexless relationship though and are lokoing for more answer, check out Kate Dixons excellent eBook on the subject of Fixing a Sexless Marriage once and for all.

 

Sexless Marriages & Affairs

sexless marriages & AffairsSexless marriages are hard work.

They feel like an empty place devoid of intimacy where every time you try you get slapped back down. The rejection by the person closest to you time and time again grates on your nerves and plays on your self esteem.

Even the most committed spouse has thoughts of being with someone else who is more open to a healthy sexual relationship.

Now I have talked about sexless relationships, cheating & divorce before through some articles – but I like to differentiate between that and sexless marriages & affairs.

 

The Difference Between Cheating And An Affair in a Sexless Marriage?

So, some people might disagree with what I am going to say, and I completely understand why. This is a delicate issue and some might think I am going to make excuses for cheaters and so forth. I am NOT doing that, but instead am trying to explain how there is a subtle difference between cheating and a full blown affair – or at least there CAN be depending on how we use the words. So lets break it down.

Affairs – An affair is a relationship outside of marriage. This does not even need to be a sexual relationship either which might surprise some people. This is where you have started to give your heart away to someone else – sometimes without even realising it. Many people have an affair thinking it is just about the sex – but find out they are making a dangerous connection because they cannot make that connection with their spouse!

Cheating – Cheating is simply the act of sex with someone else outside of marriage. This is often caused by sexless marriages when one partner is longing for  sexual relief and finds this with another person despite the marital vows.

So this means that you can be having an affair without cheating if it is an emotional affair, and you can be cheating AND having an affair, and in some cases you can be cheating without and affair. One night stands and prostitutes would be the typical examples of this.

Sexless Marriages & Affairs – How They Start

This I guess could be how ANY affair starts, but when you are in a sexless marriage the absolute shutting down of proper communications is a real problem which leaks out into your life. Affairs usually start when you start opening up to and connecting with another person on a level that you should be doing with your spouse. This can be as innocent as your hopes and dreams, to of course issues with sex and sexuality. When you start forming those very personal bonds with someone these emotional affairs start to happen with or without sex. Sometimes a purely sexual relationship where you tell yourself its just sex ends up as more – in fact it nearly ALWAYS does.

Now as I said, i am not trying to make excuses for anyone here. Both affairs and cheating are bad and wrong even if your marriage is devoid of sex. In  the end it comes down to the choices you make from the options you have. What most people in a sexless marriage think is that there is no choice but to cheat, or divorce of course. This is not the truth - sexless marriages & affairs can be overcome and your marital life get set back on track if you know how.

It all comes down to communication in the end. Being able to find the point where the barriers to sexual fulfilment come down and intimacy can flow again. This does not mean you can just talk it out though – if it was that easy you would have done it already right? It does mean that you have to create the right atmosphere for healing the rift between you and your spouse or significant other though.

I highly recommend you take a look at Kate Dixon’s ebook on sexless marriages if you are in this sort of situation though and fear that affairs, divorce, and misery are all piling up on your. It has helped so many other people get their shit together and find great intimacy, love, and sex in their marriage.

 

Sexless Marriages – Can They Be Good?

sexless marriages

Can sexless marriages actually be a good thing? I received an email from a woman stating that she has a wonderful marriage where they might make love a few times a year only and it runs very well. She admitted they were a bit older, but neither found the lack of sex a serious issue in a marriage full of love and commitment. MY first thought was if the husband really thought that was the case and maybe she was a little deluded – but the more I thought about it the more I could see how this could work – that in some cases a sexless marriage can be good or even great … but not for everyone.

Matched and Mismatched Libido’s

The situation above can only really come about when a sexless couples both have matched low libidos from genetic and situational reasons. When two people are compatible on all fronts and both have a low biological desire for sex then a marriage can actually flourish with all the other parts they make a relationship great: teamwork, love, non-sexual intimacy, laughter, and all those magical things in marriage that make us happy when it is going well. All these things can be there when both partners are sexually satisfied.

How can they be sexually satisfied when they have sex so little though? Satisfied comes from getting the right about of sexual intimacy and if your desire for sexual contact is low for both partners they can both be satisfied.

mismatched libidoThis of course comes unstuck when there is a case of mismatched Libidos where one partner has a significantly higher sex drive and desire than the other. This sort of genetic mismatch of sex drives is a very difficult thing to deal with because one side is sexually satisfied and the other is sexually frustrated. This is the classic case of a sexless couple where the relationship will hang by a thread. Arguments and possibly divorce are common in this situation.

The other side of this is where BOTH partners are feeling sexually dissatisfied. This seems like it should not happen though … if both partners feel the need for more sex and intimacy then it should be as easy as adding 1 + 1 right? Unfortunately this is all too common because of a sexless couple’s inability to deal with the resentments and egos in their relationship. Often one side simply withholds sex even if they want it because they feel it gives some sense of power. Or sometimes they will want more intimacy but cannot ever quite get in the mood due to some niggling problem that is left unsolved and festering.

Can Libido’s Change?

The good news is that yes – of course sexual desire can change. Genetically some people might be lower than others but this can still change throughout a persons life. Lifestyle factors such as health, well being and lowering stress can help for instance. The more likely culprit for most sexless marriages is the situational factors. Resentments, poor communication, poor body image, lack of empathy and many other areas where fixing these underlying causes can unlock sexual potential and intimacy that has been locked away – not running low.

Check out Kate Dixon’s eBook on Fixing Sexless Marriages for more information on all these things.

Sexless Marriage Advice – 10 Intimacy Restoring Tips

sexless marriage helpToday I just wanted to give some sexless marriage advice and help for those looking for ways to restore a little bit of intimacy in their cooling marital bedroom. This is not the in depth stuff I usually go into which is very important, but is instead a quick fire set of tips you can use to help you apply the right touch here and there every day.

Along with the big picture stuff, these small steps are always important and help to bring you closer yo your spouse tiny step at a time. It can be frustrating applying these tips again and again and seeming to get very little immediate results – but it takes more than just these tips to overcome a sexless marriage completely. They are essential to do on your journey though.

So here are a few pointers that might help!

10 Sexless Marriage Advice Tips

 

1. Do not bite back – Sometimes you get into a small argument, or even a massive row, or perhaps nasty remarks due to stress and strain and lack of intimacy. The easiest path is to bite back. To show your displeasure and frustration because you feel justified. Perhaps you are, but as soon as you do this you just put another brick in the wall of resentment that stops sex in marriage. Learn to control those outbursts.

2. Do not ask for praise – Sometimes you might think that making that extra effort around the house will endear your lover to you and thaw the cooling in the bedroom. While this is probably true to a degree, most of us think that a few of these efforts should get reward or praise and when you becoming indignant or upset if it does not come it can make matters even worse. This is because they will think your attempts are trying to be deceptive not genuinesomething akin to emotional manipulation even if it is not meant as such.

3. Do not be sullen – A follow on from the previous point. Being sullen and hurt will nto get any sympathy at this stage and will start a cold war that for some couples lasts for years – you do not want this! This is especially useful to remember if they do not want to have sex, the more sullen and annoyed you become the more they will steel themself against you. This can lead to no sex in marriage for a long time.

4. Apologise – It can seem like a blow to your ego to apologise, especially when you might not be the one who needs to apologise. However, an apology mends so many wounds even if they do not take the apology gracefully. It is still a step to being a better person and healing the rift that stops intimacy from flowing.

5. Do not ask for apology – Do not demand for an apology when your partner says or does something hurtful. Trying to drag it out of them simply builds their resolve to frustrate you. Even if you have just apologised and they will not – do not demand something back. Often it will come, sometimes days later but it will come in time, forcing the issue simply makes it worse.

6. Keep things tidy – Simple tip, messiness tends to irritate people unless it is their mess. To make things more smooth and amenable in a household just be a little more tidy (tip for men AND women by the way!)

7. Avoid nagging – Nothing saps the libido than being nagged by your partner. Again both men and women nag it is not something that is just in the domain of wives. Constant undermining of a partners abilities, looks, or anything else by constantly pointing out flaws or demanding action on something is destructive.

8. Go Slow – Sometimes you might have had a good week and you feel a little more intimate with your spouse and the temptation is to se if they are willing to take it the next step further. If you do this do not go right in, the door is not wide open at this point, it is just slightly ajar. Sometimes going slowly without even trying anything sexual, but still being intimate can help break down the wall that has been built up. Try just hugging and cuddling and kissing, do not try to initiate sex right away as if they are not yet in the mood it could harm your chances further down the track. Long term is the goal.

9. Tell them you love them – Some people find this very hard, especially if they feel annoyed and frustrated. Even if you do not feel like you like them much at the moment, those words are always welcome when the time is right. This does not need to be an overblown presentation of undying love – but letting them know you do even when you have had a fight or things have not been very fun will keep a connection going.

10. Seek first to understand before being understood – This is of prime importance. Before you ever try to put your own point of view forward, really try to understand your spouses situation and thoughts. Before anyone ever pays attention to someone else’s feelings they want to know their own feelings are acknowledged first. This empathic link makes all conversations more genuine and open.

You might sense a theme here, this is not about DOING things to impress your lover and get them warmed up for sex, this is about everything before that. The mind and emotional state must be satisfied first before the sexual desire can flow. It can also seem unfair, but this is the way of things – you get to choose to nurse a wounded ego – or to change the way you act and suffer a loss of face to bring back some intimacy. Resentment and misunderstanding are the main problems in a sexless marriage so do not be trapped by this!

For more sexless marriage advice of course, check out the ebook Fix Your Sexless Marriage by Kate Dixon. It goes into this and much more in depth.

 

Surviving a Sexless Marriage – The Mental Game Plan

surviving a sexless marriageSurviving a sexless marriage is not an easy task by any means. Keeping a marriage together while living in a state of sexual frustration, of rejection from the one you love, and feeling trapped and alone – this is a survival minefield and many people do not handle it well. In fact, many people end up destroying their marriage via infidelity, or bringing the issue to a head in ways that cause harm and end in a messy divorce. All we really want is to feel loved and wanted, why is this so hard?

Well first up, surviving is what we do while we wait for the time when things can change. Too many people try too hard and the wrong way to fix a sexless marriage once they get a bee in their bonnet about making a change. However, it is not an instant flick of a switch, it is a long term process to bring warmth and love and intimacy back into a sexless relationship. Surviving while you are working at it is essential for your sexual and mental health – and the more you can deal with a sexless marriage as you work to fix it, the better your efforts will go as well.

Mental Game Plan for Surviving a Sexless Marriage

A mental game plan might sound like some sort of sporting terminology, and I guess it can be related to that in a way. You need to have a plan of action not only to turn up the heat in the bedroom and bring intimacy back to your marriage, but you need a plan on what to do if something fails, or goes right, or does not happen. You also need a plan to cope with the frustration, with the rejection, with the thoughts of divorce or infidelity. You need to be able to sit in a head space that allows you to be calm and enact the changes that need to be made to fix a sexless marriage!

So what can you do to achieve this mental state? Here are some things to think about when constructing your game plan. I hope reading through these tips will give you a better understanding of dealing with a sexless marriage while you attempt to fix it!

Behaviour Triggers

triggers in a sexless marriageWhat is a trigger? A trigger is an event that happens which will then make you go down a certain behavioural path. Being able to modify our behaviours of these triggers is a ital part of maintaining your sanity and well being during this period. Some triggers such as being rejected when asking for sex, discovering a lie about sex and intimacy (porn use for instance), or getting into an argument about intimacy. These things usually send us down a certain path of thinking which is often very bad for your mental state and your relationship. It can lead to regretful words and actions that are not going to help your cause!

So, to help arrest this, you need to train yourself to react in a way that is going to help you feel better, not make things worse – and that might actually help your cause in overcoming this sexless situation. For this you need to really sit, think, and analyse what are the triggers in your relationship that cause you to blow up, or get depressed, or say things you do not mean to say. Really think on the negative behaviours that damage a relationship, even if you feel justified in being angry or upset and not them down. Find out the exact cause, the trigger of this reaction and then work on a plan to turn that into positive.

For instance, if you get sad, or angry when your husband or wife refuses sex at night when you are in bed – instead think of something you can do to improve the situation. You know that you need to work on getting them warmed up to the idea over time, so anything that makes them feel resentful because you are angry or upset is going to hinder your ability to turn the situation around. An alternative course of action might be to force yourself to say something comforting to release the tension of the situation. Also in your mind make sure to note that this is actually a step towards a better sexual life in the end as being upset would actually set yourself back!

Forward Planning

Forward planning in a sexless marriageWhile preparing to change your behaviours when triggers occur is one way of forward planning, you can also plan the things you are going to do on a steady day to day basis to help you survive a sexless marriage. You al;ready know the things that will be difficult to deal with so now is the time to prepare for them! Just a few common things you can do is to make sure you release any tension in the household every day. Even if you do not feel like saying it much, make sure to tell your spouse you love them. Appreciate the things they DO manage to do right, and gloss over the problems that arise because of any small infringement they might make.

You might see a theme here, it is of creating a harmonious environment which dismantles he wall of resentment that builds up over time. This is a tactic to bring about more intimacy, but it is also a tactic that will help you cope even if the sex does not flow right away. Creating a home where you put effort into building up a bucket of goodwill is actually good for your own mental health. You might be bursting at the seams wanting this olive branch to be returned to you in kind, but you cannot expect a tit for tat recovery – but you will get a tit for tat downward spiral if you choose to try to punish your spouse or demand recompense!

Plan to be kind, not RIGHT. Then make sure to plan how to release any pent up frustration in a good way, or at least a non hurtful way. Maintaining a positive [pl;ace in your home is where you need to start. After that comes the difficult but essential conversations and questions, and listening you need to do to uncover the real issues of sexlessness. This is not surviving a sexless marriage advice though – that is for overcoming it.

If you want to learn more about fixing the problem at its core though, we highly suggest you click through to visit Kate Dixons’s Fix Your Sexless Marriage website. This is the best book on the market on dealing this this tricky issue.

 

A Sexless Marriage & Divorce – The Facts

Sexless Marriage & DivorceDivorce is an ugly thing that happens all too often to couples. It is happening in far greater numbers now too which is depressing for some, and freeing for others. The purpose of this article is to discuss if a sexless marriage  & divorce are linked because the frustration and shame from being in a sexless relationship can seem to many to be a smoking gun for divorce – but other people think this might not be the real reasons for divorce, or that many sexless couples actually stay married. Lets look into the facts and see what we can find.

Causes of Divorce

There is not a huge amount of data and hard statistics on sexless marriages. Perhaps many people do not want to reveal such intimate details when still married, or that there have been no real studies into this phenomenon. In any case, where we do have a wealth of stats is form divorce where people are more wiling to speak and a lot of attention has been paid by governments, church groups, and academics Lets look at the reasons of divorce and see what we can find.

  • Communication problems (27%)
  • Incompatibility/drifting apart (21%) (Includes loss of love, trust and changed values and lifestyle demands or desires)
  • Sexual incompatibility (2%)
  • Infidelity (20%)
  • Alcohol & Drug Abuse (3-11%)
  • Family Violence (35%) (nearly all women claimed this as the reason)
  • Mental or Physical Health (5%)
  • Work (3%)

This information was gleaned from a very comprehensive report on the reasons for divorce from the Australian Institute of Family Studies. There is a lot more to this report, I just picked a few interesting details. The numbers add up more than 100% I think because i took some from the women and some from the men, and perhaps the survey respondents could have picked more than one answer.

So what does this tell us? The most telling one is that only 2% said sexual incompatibility was the main reason for divorce. Does this mean that only 2% of divorces are because of sexual problems like a lack of intimacy in a sexless marriage? Or does this tell us that only 2% went to get a divorce specifically because of this problem and were willing to answer that question honestly?

The main reasons being communication problems and ‘drifting apart’ were also quite telling because a sexless marriage is FULL of miscommunication, or NO communication and a lack of sex certainly means people drift apart. The question formerly said loss of love and desires too so this hits right on the core issues of a sexless relationship.

Infidelity is also another huge cause of marital breakdown. While not everyone in a sexless marriage cheats, so many men and women frustrated at the lack of intimacy do seek out others while still married. What percentage of this segment were in a sexless marriage I do not know, but certainly some of them were.

The other reasons are probably not linked to any loss of intimacy so we can put them aside, but this does mean that a MUCH greater amount than just 2% could easily stem from sexless marriages. Not only this, but the reasons for a sexless marriage such as a lack of communication, deeply held resentment that brews up into a feeling of being pushed apart and having different values, and general incompatibility sexual or otherwise are all there in the divorce stats.

Sexless Marriage & Divorce – Linked or Not?

There is no conclusive evidence that a sexless marriage will the majority of times lead to a divorce, but we have seen that the same reasons a sexless marriage comes about are also leading contributors to divorce in general. We have also seen that soem of the consequences of a sexless marriage such as infidelity are also high on the list. This gives us some evidence to say that the environment of a sexless relationship is conducive to the factors many people report as major reasons for separation.

This is probably not a surprise to many people, but it is interesting to see it is not the sex itself that is the driving factor. This is a symptom of deeper problems that also causes even more emotional turmoil, anger and frustration. Perhaps it is one of the final straws before a marriage becomes unsustainable and something breaks down so badly it cannot be put back together?

In any case, a sexless marriage to0 see seems like it can be something people divorce over. However one finding from that report was that people who get divorced often do not want to. Many of the people being ‘left’ still want to marriage to work and even some who do the leaving regret it. I believe that marriages CAN be saved from divorce and sexless couples CAN reignite the spark of passion that will burn away some of these other divorce factors from a relationship.

We highly recommend Kate Dixon’s Fix Your Sexless Marriage if you would like more information on this by the way.

The only thing that seemed missing to me was pornography addiction which I believed was a growing problem, but this report was done before the internet became so ubiquitous which I believe is a key reason for porn addiction. Does anyone know of any statistics on this? Comment below.

How to Fix a Sexless Marriage – Sexless Marriage Help for Men & Women

how to fix a sexless marriage

How to fix a sexless marriage can be a difficult thing to do if you feel lost, frustrated and angry. I know I felt this way during this period with my wife and finding a path through these emotions to find a solutions to my sexless relationship took time and energy and learning about many things: Love, men, women, marriage and mainly about myself and how to dealt with problems.

I just wanted to compile some thoughts on sexless marriage help for those stuck in the same situation that can be applied to men or women. After this there may be more intricate details on how to handle wives or girlfriends compared to how a female needs to handle their husband or boyfriend.

A complete guide that greatly helped me and Nancy overcome our sexless marriages and helped me write this post can be found here.

Blame

Self blame and blame on your partner are two of the most harmful aspects of a sexless relationship. Some people hold all of their blame just for themselves and believe that the entire affair is their own fault while others. Others put all their frustration and anger into a campaign of blame against their partner while others still can see saw back and forth between the two.

My own experience was largely in blaming my wife. Something i now regret a great deal because firstly the blame was NOT all hers and I had things to answer for but also because blame is never productive and never solves anything!

Freeing yourself of the chains or resentment, self loathing and blaming is a major part of returning to a better relationship and openning up both partners hearts to a loving intimate and passionate relationship once again.

Communication Vs Action

I am a firm believer in good communication between husband and wife. I was even when my marriage was barren and loveless but I did not know how to actually apply this to the situation at hand. Kate Dixon’s Get him/her in the mood helped me to understand what i was doing wrong and how to change my approach towards my sexless wife for the better.

I learned a few things:

  • When communicating NEVER make the conversation about your own sexual frustrations.
  • Never whine, never be belligerent, never beg and never include any resentment or blame in your tone.
  • Always be calm and make the conversation about your spouse.
  • Do not attack the question of sex directly or you will get push back. Instead try to uncover the reasons behind the lack of libido and passion.

The other thing I learned on how to fix a sexless marriage was that communication and talking it over were not always the best sexless marriage help and that actions can speak louder than words and open up new avenues of conversation and healing.

  • Look to improving yourself first before trying to solve your partners issues.
  • Work to resolve little niggles and resentments in your marriage.
  • Start increasing your intimacy slowly. Small touches here and there, a lingering gaze, a tender kiss – not too long but not just a peck.
  • Do not rush into any sexual opening. Forcing yourself on your partner man or woman will set back all your efforts … remember slow and steady wins the race.

Once I started to apply some of these simple rules I was amazed at how quickly my marriage started to change! It was slow to start but the improvements could be seen every day. Life became easier, the companionship of my wife became bearable, then pleasant and then intimate.

Not only this, but after just a few weeks of improvements I discovered things about my wife i never new. Reasons why she was so shy on sex and ways to help her overcome these things. I also learned more on how to be a better husband, partner and lover in just a few short weeks compared to the all the 22 year marriage we had before.

More on how this was possible.

Now these tips to fix a sexless marriage can be applied to men or women as the same basic concepts can be used to end the problems and then kick start the passion once again. However there are of course a number of differences between how men and women who are lacking in the libido department.

This means that for many things you need to take a different approach to make sure you are pressing the right buttons with your spouse and also adjusting your own behavior to make them more comfortable and more aroused.

However the differences between men and women in terms of sexuality could fill a library so I will not go into that here. However I do highly recommend this guide I have been mentioning by Kate Dixon which comes in two flavors. One for men in a sexless relationship and one for women struggling with their husbands lack of sexual interest.

Sexless Marriage Help by Kate Dixon

~ Tony

The Sexless Husband – My Journey of Foolishness

sexless husbandLiving with my sexless husband was not a happy thing. We became bitter and argumentative and the intimacy and sex just dried up after about 3 years of marriage to become something we did maybe once every 3 months or so. Even then the sex was not good, it was passionless and dull and so technically it was a sexless marriage and almost loveless marriage.

I was lonely, so damned lonely i felt isolated in my own house even though it was just a 2 bedroom apartment. However what I did to try to fix this sexless relationship initially was not good. I am a bit of a panicker you see. When something is wrong I go into a frenzy trying to make it better but often don’t put enough thought into it.

“Ready Fire Aim” my father used to say in reference to my uncanny ability to act before knowing HOW to act!

I went with my initial instincts that I must not be as attractive as I once was and went mad dieting, spending money on new clothes, gym memberships and so forth. I did get in shape but this did not seem to help, in fact it became worse!

I tried then of course to be as seductive as possible. I did every naughty trick in the book i knew to try to turn him on. This worked sometimes but the sex was always lackluster as his heart never seemed to really be in it. I was furious and decided it was not me … it was him.

This of course got me panicked again! It was not my fault then it must ALL be his fault was my way of thinking and that he needed to man up and take control. I started becoming a control freak to somehow goad him into being a man instead of some sexless lump. It was a period i am now thoroughly ashamed of and it led in the end to HIM asking ME for a divorce!

I hope it never goes that far for whoever is reading this. However it did finally open up an avenue of communication that we were both terrible at. While we talked before we never really listened or understood each other in our relationship, life, work and very importantly in bed. It seemed most of the problems stemmed from his extreme inability to communicate his real feelings coupled with an enormous amount of stress which I added to. Many other small things were in there as well but all my poorly aimed strategies

So the moral of this story i guess is to take AIM before firing to find a solution to a sexless husband and a sexless marriage because action without knowledge and planning frequently falls flat on its face. Also make sure you really communicate before you rush to the part about sex because while men may always appear to be up for it if you treat them like a piece of meat without showing them the proper respect for their manhood they switch off just like a woman does when she is not romanced by a guy.

I highly recommend reading “Get him in the mood” which is a downloadable e-book for more on this.

~ Nancy

The Sexless Wife – Marriage & Frustrated Husbands

Sexless wifeHaving a sexless wife is a crushing blow to any guys manhood. Swaying between feeling that you are somehow to blame to the other end of the spectrum where you blame them for deliberately holding out as some sort of long standing punishment for perceived wrongs. In any case, a sexless marriage where the wife refuses sex and never initiates sex frustrating and self perpetuating.

A vicious cycle can emerge here that hinders what you really need to do to fix your sexless marriage.

  • Wife refuses to make love
  • Husband becomes resentful
  • Husband takes out resentment in petty ways on his wife
  • Wife becomes resentful of husbands actions
  • Communication and intimacy break down and more resentment and barriers continue to be erected.

More on this cycle and how to break it here

It is amazing how quickly the real issues can be buried beneath a pile of anger and inconsiderate actions. I believed for instance that if my wife no longer was interested in making me feel good I would refuse to do anything that made her feel good. My limited romantic nature completely dried up and I became more self focused and less interested in doing many of the small things that she used to take for granted.

This of course is very stupid because she never saw this as revenge for her low libido but simply thought I was being rude and inconsiderate thus building the wall of resentment that stifled all intimacy and made us a completely sexless couple for over a year!

Only now standing at the edge of that pit we dug can i see the folly. When you are there it is more difficult to fathom just how wrong both of us were for our actions.

My advice is that if you are living with a sexless wife then as hard as it may be YOU need to be the one that makes the effort and the sacrifices to find a solution. You must be the one who takes a positive step. YOU must be the one who realizes that change comes first from within and then you can bring your wife out of her sexless marriage mentality.

From here communication can flow, the layers of invisible boundaries you have built together and be broken down and you can start applying the romance and begin again essentially to bring back the passion.

~ Tony